Synopsis for the feature:
Kelly and her family packed up the minivan and left the farm in Iowa for Brooklyn, New York. Kelly sure had butterflies in her stomach, but she was super excited about joining a new PTA, and she knew she’d fit right in. Like her Daddy used to say, “Stick out your hand, and you get a friend. But stick out your chin, and you get your balls chopped off.” But McKinley Elementary turned out to be kind of strange: Mona, the PTA President, and Principal Joannie enforced all kinds of rules: like, parents who gave their kids simple sugars got cut from certain social circles; every popular children’s game was banned for safety reasons; and moms who allowed TV on school nights sort of deserved to be poisoned. But there were neat things too, like something called a “lumbersexual”, and a mom who sat in the corner of the PTA room all day, churning butter! But it was when Kelly found a mom stabbed to death in the PTA closet that things started to get weird.
Even though PTA moms were, like, dying a lot, Kelly did make some real good friends, including Leslie and Wheelchair Wendy. And she learned all these new things she never knew before, like white flour lowers SAT scores, and that if you don’t breastfeed your kid when they’re a baby, they won’t be as sad if you suddenly get murdered. But seriously, Kelly started getting kind of scared. Like, after she signed up to compete in the McKinley Games (which was eerily like the Hunger Games) she found a bottle of arsenic in her bicycle basket. It was like someone was trying to get her to drop out! But Leslie told Kelly she couldn’t quit, because the parents of McKinley needed her. So Kelly made a deal with Mona: she told her that if Mona won the Games, Kelly would transfer to another school. But, if Kelly won, Mona would have to quit the PTA. Unfortunately, Mona was a big fat cheater, and Kelly lost.
But when Mona was the one who showed up dead, and Principal Joannie lied about going to get her eggs frozen for the 3rd time, Kelly realized that Mona wasn’t the killer after all. Not only that, but Kelly knew Principal Joannie was on her way to murder the superintendent. In order to save his life, Kelly had to bludgeon Principal Joannie to death with a loaf of gluten-free organic sprouted spelt bread she had in her purse. On the bright side, Kelly became the new principal of McKinley! But most importantly, she finally felt like she belonged. And like her Daddy used to say: “Friends are like diapers: it’s better to have one good clean one than a trashcan full of shitty ones.”